Getting back together with someone you love after a breakup may not be easy, but the basic steps you have to take are not complicated.
First, just back away
You’ve heard it before, but that’s because it’s essential. Move back from the relationship. Any ideas you have for getting your ex back right now are sure to be bad ones. Your emotions are in turmoil. You may have ideas for renewing the relationship that seem like Einstein level genius. Don’t believe it. Back off. Wait.
Understand that it’s you who will have to change
I have been asked many times, by people in your situation, what they can do to make there ex do this, or stop doing that. Understand this. You cannot force your ex to change. It should be obvious to you that if you are going to get back together with your ex then changes must take place. At this point, with the two of you estranged, those changes must come from you.
See what has to change, then change it
This may be the most difficult part of the whole process of getting your ex back. People, and you aren’t exempt, tend to build a high wall of justifications around their bad habits and short comings. I drink too much because of this, this and this. I never pick up behind myself because … you get the idea.
That wall of justifications can be just about insurmountable when you need to look behind it and see the reasons for the break up. One very good way to see the truth about yourself is to talk to friends that spent time with you and your ex. Ask your friends to be ruthlessly critical of your behavior. You need the bare truth, not a white-washed version of the truth.
Once you understand what habits and behaviors led to the break up decide if you are willing to change them. You must be willing to make changes if you and your ex are going to get back together. If you are willing, then start now. Don’t tell yourself you will change if you get your ex back. Start making changes now so that when the time comes you can tell your ex that you have changed, not that you are willing to change.
Plan to meet with your ex
You will of course need to meet with your ex at some point in the future. The purpose of this meeting is not to instantly get your ex back. The purpose is to give yourself a chance to explain to your ex that you have been making changes to yourself. Long before you have arranged an actual date and time to meet your ex start preparing for the meeting. Make a list of the things you have determined you have to change about yourself to make the relationship work. Beside each item on that list write down what you have done to implement these changes. Don’t worry. You aren’t going to show this to your ex. It’s a cheat sheet you can refer to before the meeting so that the information is fresh in your mind.
Prepare for the meeting with your ex in the same way you would prepare for any important meeting. Leave yourself plenty of time, dress appropriately. And keep the purpose of the meeting at the forefront of your mind. Keep the conversation light at first and then slowly lead into the real purpose of the meeting. A good way to do this is to say something like, “You know, our breakup has turned out to be really good for me. It gave me time and motivation to really look at myself”.
If your ex still harbors feelings for you then he or she will want to know what these changes are. Don’t press too hard. Let the conversation flow. But keep in mind that your goal is to explain that you have been making changes to yourself, changes for the better. Changes that should earn you a second chance and may well lead to the two of you getting back together.